Hello friends. It’s been a few weeks since I joined the “wonderful” world of online dating. I don’t want to waste any time so let’s get right down to business. I’ve found several boyfriends courtesy of Okstupid. Allow me to introduce them to you:
His name is Prodigy. Note his username, Podigy, sans R. I mean…Is it a typo? Was Prodigy already taken so he just decided the R wasn’t important and people would figure it out when he chose to misspell his own name? SEMANTICS, SHERZ! Stop questioning boyfriend #1’s life choices! He’s so take charge. He wants me to “come over here” (where?…) so we can “start building.” Maybe he’s in construction. Maybe he’s really enthusiastic about legos. Whatever the case, I better hurry the eff up and get to this nondescript place so we can get to work! ***Note how I completely skipped over the part where he calls himself “The chosen one” because just, NO. That alone would require pages upon pages of sassing and we all have shit to do and places to be. NEXT.
I like to call this boyfriend, “My Waking Nightmare.” Screw feeling safe with your significant other. I love how “My Waking Nightmare” makes me feel like I’m in my own personal Stephen King-themed hell. It’s so special and mortifying.
It’ll never work. We’re both actors, and clearly he’s more successful than I am. I mean, I was in an Off Broadway show earlier this year, but you don’t hear me referring to myself as a star. He must have quite an extensive and impressive resume to think so highly of himself. Also, his user name is the worst thing I’ve ever heard. Fire and cream sounds like the most tragic symptoms of an STD…which you get from having sex…which is what he does for a living…FULL CIRCLE.
The final boyfriend is actually not mine. My friend who is also on Okcupid texted me one day to let me know that she had found the one. He’s charming and romantic and very into astrology!
Clearly, I’m going to be alone forever which is fine with me if these are my options. Listen, I’m no picnic in the park. I’ve got flaws and quirks and blessings to the guy who’ll learn to deal with them one day. Until I find that poor sucker, I will continue to giggle at these assholes who pop into my inbox.